Balls to the wall

Or should I say, “ball to the wall”?  That’s right you guys, this past weekend, I ran into yet another guy I went on a date with: the guy with just one testicle.  If you’ll recall, he wasn’t really all “there” in his head, nor his pants, but that isn’t the important part to this story.  The important part to this story is that I ended things with him after two dates via text message.

Take that, you annoying kid!  Ugh!
Take that, you annoying kid! Ugh!

I didn’t really feel badly about it because he was obviously not invested in a future (in my opinion), and he was really annoying.  But afterwards I was plagued by my Catholic guilt, especially this weekend.

The Beau and I had to run to Walgreen’s, and while driving through through the parking lot, some stupid suburban preteen in soccer gear runs into the middle of the street right in front of me.  I slam on my breaks cursing this child’s parents because, let’s face it, by 12 you should be old enough to know NOT to run through parking lots, unless your parents are complete imbeciles.

You're lucky I've got good reflexes kid, or this would have been you.
You’re lucky I’ve got good reflexes kid, or this would have been you.

Imagine my surprise when I catch my breath and glance out my driver side window to see Mr. One Testicle himself, wearing his Walgreen’s smock and witnessing the whole thing.  A tiny part of me was relieved that there would have been a witness if I hadn’t managed to stop in time, but most of me just felt immensely awkward (and a little disgusted) at seeing his face again.  Mostly because I never thought I would.  Okay, so I had kind of hoped I never would.

I didn’t really know what to do, so I just smiled and waved and continued driving, playing it perfectly cool.  Meanwhile in the car I was exploding with “OHGOD I ALMOST KILLED THAT KID!  OHGOD THAT WAS THE GUY WITH ONE TESTICLE!  OHGOD!  OHGOD!”

giphy4Of course The Beau knew the story already, since he’s an avid reader of my blog (he doesn’t think I’m nearly as funny as I know I am.  In hindsight I realize it’s probably because so many of my posts are about him…)  Anyway, we parked and The Beau and I made a quick dash into the store.  Thankfully I knew that Mr. One Testicle wasn’t going to be inside, as we’d seen him walking away from the store.  Praise Jesus for lunch breaks!

Unfortunately, when we were walking back to my car, The Beau spotted Mr. One Testicle walking towards us.  Before he could even finish pointing Mr. One Testicle out, I had already dashed behind the closest car.  I then proceeded to scurry from car to car, while The Beau walked normally down the same aisle, exercising my super spy moves.

I’m a super spy! You can’t see me!

By the time I dove out from one car and drop rolled around to the driver’s side of my car and fluidly slipped in, The Beau was already waiting for me.  His reaction was to just blink at me confusedly and say, “I don’t know why he didn’t wave or smile at me…”


2 thoughts on “Balls to the wall

  1. Oh, I love reading about your misadventures and awkward encounters. My worst was when I went to a Starbucks in China and randomly sat down beside some guy I had dated with a few years before. He was half turned away on the phone, so I just clumsily slid to the next seat over and pretended to be Chinese. Alas, I don’t have your super spy moves 🙂


    1. I read your blog post! That’s unbelievable to me! To be in a completely different country and run into an ex. Yikes. It’s a small world, huh?

      The spy moves take some practice, that’s for sure. 😉


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