A really weird thing happened this weekend when I signed on to my account. I had a TON of notifications saying that all these people had visited my profile since I’d last been on. That wasn’t too weird, since I’m totally a hot commodity and it had been a while since I’d been online. The weird thing was that one of the people who had visited my profile looked suspiciously like a guy I had pseudo-dated in college and been completely and totally head over heels in love with (or at least pretty darn smitten with, at any rate). Either way, he ended up being a real jerkface. A class-A butt muncher. A total fart factory, slug-slimed, sack-of-rat-guts-in-cat-vomit, cheesy, scab-picked, pimple-squeezing finger bandage. A week old maggot burger with everything on it and flies on the side!
Alright, probably he’s a nice guy and I’m just bitter and jaded, but props to Rufio and Hook for helping me find the most accurate description for a guy who treated me wrongly (in my opinion… maybe in his opinion he treated me well).
I’m getting sidetracked. This guy who visited my profile looked suspiciously like The Ex. The picture wasn’t the best; it was grainy and dark. So I did the only natural thing and visited his profile in return. Wouldn’t you know, the first thing his profile says is “Hi, I’m The Ex!” (Can we say cliché? Ugh.) Also, we’re a 75% match. I guess 75% match isn’t so bad. Where they got it really wrong was when they said we’re 15% enemy. I’m pretty sure we’re more like 99% enemy… definitely not because I may or may not have had a contract out on his head at one point in time or anything….
After reading through the rest of his profile, I decided to check out his pictures. This is where it got REALLY weird. Please keep in mind that I graduated college five years ago, and that was when The Ex was in my life. While browsing through his pictures, I first came across a picture of him that I took FIVE YEARS AGO. (Seriously, don’t use five year old pictures in your profile!) AND THEN things got WORSE! After the picture that I took of him, there were TWO pictures that I was in! And neither of them were flattering pictures, either. Seriously, did I have zero fashion sense 5 years ago? Or does he just have this acute ability to only post highly horrific, nightmare inducing, reputation ruining pictures of me? And why does he have multiple five year old pictures posted anyway? Men!
And here is where I got stupid. I decided to send him a message. Dumb, dumb, dumb…. Well, he responded with “Deviantdater!…” like he was surprised it was me. Pretty sure he KNOWS what I look like (since he has two pictures of me on his profile, anyway). Plus, my username is my well known nickname that was on the front license plate of my car, which he rode in multiple times when we were pseudo-dating (since the only wheels he had were on his Schwinn).
Whatever, I’m totally over it. Just a very random blast from the past. And no, I won’t be going on a date with him, even if it was a free meal.