Have I mentioned how needy men can be? I mean, some of them are ridiculous! Really, what do they do all day long that they have time to text? I shouldn’t check my phone to see that I have ELEVEN texts from one man. Calm down, dude.
Sure, you may have kissed me on the second date. And yeah, you may have stuck your tongue in my mouth. And let it linger there. But really, that does NOT mean that we are going to spend the rest of our lives together. In fact, it probably means that we WON’T spend the rest of our lives together because you need a lot more kissing practice. Seriously, a LOT. I get that I totally rocked your world, babe, but you’re completely suffocating me!
I recently went out on a couple dates with this guy and now that I look back on it he really wasn’t all there. I mean there were a couple red flags on the first date; like how he kept trying to hold my hand (dude, I don’t even know you!) and how he took out the butterfly knife he carries around in his pocket to show me (run! Run away quickly!).
Before the first date was over, he had revealed to me that he was a virgin. Clearly I have no problem with that. I mean, I would prefer marrying a man who’s slept around a little, just so that he knows what he’s doing, but hey, I’m not going to judge if a guy hasn’t slept around. (By the way, I’m not saying I want to marry a man whore, but you know men can be clueless about lots of things…) Either way, who brings that up ON THE FIRST DATE??? And if you DO bring it up, you have to OWN it. Don’t be ashamed to admit you’re a virgin. If you’ve made the decision to wait, then stand firm in your beliefs. I can’t stand people who don’t own their life choices.
I don’t know why after this awkward first date I thought I should say yes to a second date, but I did. I guess it’s because I’m also awkward and I didn’t want to judge someone else for their awkwardness. And so the second date occurred. If I had thought he would have gotten all of his awkwardness out of his system, I was sorely mistaken. On the second date he revealed to me that he’d only ever kissed one woman, and then he stuck his tongue in my mouth and just left it there like a dead fish flopping about. Ew. Like seriously, ew. I mean, really, I could have probably guessed that he has only ever kissed one woman if he hadn’t told me before that demonstration.
Then to make matters more interesting, he also revealed to me that he only has one testicle. ONE TESTICLE. Sadly, my first thought was about how awkward and unbalanced that would look, but how it was fitting. My second thought wasn’t much better. It amounted to something along the lines of, “I’ll never be able to tell this kid to man up and grow a pair because he would probably start crying.” My third thought, though, was that that information is not second date material. It’s probably not even third date material. But, I guess if it was important for him to tell me, then so be it. I was very supportive about it, at least I thought so. I don’t really know what the proper protocol is in this particular situation. (Just like the dick pic situation… Oddly, post sharing of this information, he did send me a PG-13 dick pic. My life is so weird…)
After this horrific kiss and revelation experience, things really took a turn south. He began texting me ALL THE TIME. When he wasn’t texting me he was calling or sending me (inappropriate) snapchats. It became obvious to me that while he was lacking nuts in his pants, he had an overabundance of them in his head.
We had a third date scheduled for this week. The night before he sent me a text at 8:20. I didn’t respond because I was on a date with another guy. At 9:35 he sent me another text that I didn’t respond to because I was asleep. The next morning at 9 am he texted me to say hello. I responded with a simple, “Howdy.” He asked how my day at work was going thus far. I responded with another one word answer, “Busy.” He then proceeded to CONTINUE to text me repeatedly (without me responding). When I got the chance to check my phone during my lunch break at 1, I had 4 texts and a snapchat (not inappropriate) from him. Seriously?
I told him we were still on for that night and we decided to go for Korean food. When I asked him if he wanted to come closer to me or more towards him (this was his undoing), he responded that since it was his day off, he wasn’t planning on coming into the city, so I should come to him. He lives 40 minutes away when I DON’T have to deal with rush hour. It would have taken me an hour and forty minutes just to get there. Since I was planning on calling things off with him anyway, I decided it wasn’t worth the traffic and I just cancelled on the date and on any potential future we might have had. I feel a bit guilty about calling things off via text message, but since we’d actually only had 2 dates, I think it was still acceptable.
Either way, from now on I’ve learned my lesson. If a guy seems a little nuts on the first date, I should probably pay attention to that instinct. Good thing I never got into a car with him…….