Midnight Madness


Okay, so let me just say that I am an 80-year-old woman trapped in the body of a late 20s girl.  In fact, my 82 year-old grandmother is more hip than I am.  Seriously, the woman drinks more than I do, she stays up later than I do, and her dance moves are better.

Example: What was I doing on Saturday night this weekend?  Crocheting.  That’s right.  I taught myself how to crochet and I was perfecting my new hobby while marathoning the Die Hard movies (totally forgot Bruce Willis ever had hair, and I’m really glad that he no longer does.)  I mean, I really should get props for watching some pretty kick ass movies (although my grandmother was probably out on the town– I tried to call to chat with her and she didn’t answer.  Which one of us is more cool?)  And not everyone can crochet, you know.  I’m working on a sweater for Vladimir Putin-hairless cat.

Okay, so now that we’ve established that on a weekend-night I’m not up past 10 much, I believe it is safe to say that on a work-night, I’m definitely not up past 10.  And really, I think that any functioning adult with your average 9-5 job is not going to be up past midnight on a work-night.

So why are men texting me past midnight on a work night?  I’m not going to even pretend that I see midnight more than twice a month.  It doesn’t happen.  And if you’re texting me that late, I’m wondering why YOU are up past midnight.  Don’t you work in the morning?  Aren’t you a responsible adult?  Do you only have your mind set on one thing at that hour (it probably isn’t beauty sleep)?

Which leads me to my next statement.  Even if you think there might be a chance that I don’t keep to a strict work-sleep schedule, look at my pictures!  Can’t you see how beautiful I am?  Being this beautiful requires extensive amounts of beauty sleep!  It doesn’t just happen, you know.  And only so much makeup can hide dark circles.  I’m sorry, but I can’t be both a night owl and a beautiful woman.  You’ll have to pick which you’d rather have.

So, I urge you, gentlemen, if you aren’t just looking for a late night booty call, don’t text a woman past 10 pm.  And if you ARE looking for a late night booty call, don’t text me!

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