Creating a profile, no big deal. I’ve been creating profiles since myspace was the big thing and Tom was everyone’s friend (seriously, did he EVER change his profile picture??). “I’ve totally got this.” Famous last words.
Okay, username…. It should be something catchy and witty and unique and sexy. Something that totally describes me… NerdyGlasses87? No. That’s not sexy. Looking4Luv? No… That’s cliche. WittyUniqueSexy? Yeah, definitely not. DeviantDater? Okay, that could work. Gives some mystery and some sexual connotation. Not that I want sexual connotation, but it’s the internet, I don’t have to necessarily be what I say I am. Alright, I’m sold. DeviantDater it is.
Right, pictures. I need some that make me look attractive, not like the fat blob that I am. Oooh, look, you can’t see my double chin in this one! Perfect. And this one you can totally see down my shirt. Also good. Now let’s add a few more of me doing awesome things where you maybe can’t see my face or tell how fat I am. Me in a Batman tshirt and nerdy glasses? Let’s put that one in for the nerds. Oh, and here’s one of me in a suit for work, add that for the professionals. Last but not least, one with a puppy! Yes. These pictures will singlehandedly make me the most desirable woman online! Who could ever say no to cleavage and a puppy?
Right, now to fill in some basics about me….
Age: well, I’m not old enough where I need to start lying…. yet.
Orientation: very straight (Dad, stop worrying about it)
Height: 5’4″ on a good day in heels
Body Type: Oh shit… Body type??? Buddha is not an option. Let’s see… “Overweight” is probably the most accurate. But I don’t want to put that because that’s not attractive. “A little extra”? Also not attractive. I can’t just NOT answer, because that implies that I’m overweight. “Full figured”? Well, yes, I’m definitely full figured…. “Curvy?” Sure, I’ve got curves… curves in all the right places (and some of the wrong places, too.) Okay, curvy.
Drugs: Never… If someone said yes, would the cops come get them?
…. Am I sure I want to put that I’m “curvy”? It’s not like false advertising, is it? I mean, I’m curvier than a backwoods road in the Smoky Mountains, but am I curvy like what it means to be curvy on this website?
Diet: Maybe if I had one I wouldn’t be so curvy…
Religion: Catholic and very serious about it.
Income: Poooooooooor, very poor
Speaks: English. And fluently to boot. Ha.
And now to answer some questions to find a match.
“Do you believe that regular sex is necessary for maintaining a healthy relationship?”
What the hell? Seriously, what kind of website is this??? What did I get myself into? Ummmm… No. Answers I’ll accept: No. I mean, otherwise, if he says yes, we clearly won’t have a healthy relationship.
“Are you an adventurous eater?”
Yes, all the time! It’s good to try new things!
“How would you describe your body?”
Are you kidding me? AGAIN?!?!?! I think I already described my body and had enough of a meltdown over it once! And now you want me to do it again! Okay, stupid website! I get it! I need to go to the gym! Leave me alone!
“Which pubic hairstyle do you prefer in a partner?”
I guess it turns out that creating a profile was much more difficult than I thought. Also, online dating is an incredibly sexual community. Ugh.